The Brutal Honesty Test: Do You Really Want What You Say You Want?
By Derek Neighbors on July 16, 2025
I lied to myself for three years.
I spent three years claiming I wanted to write a book about leadership transformation around the principle of “Adapt or Die.”
I had the perfect writing setup. The dedicated office space. The expensive chair. The noise-canceling headphones. The writing software with all the bells and whistles. I talked about my book idea at dinner parties, about how leaders and companies who couldn’t adapt to change would inevitably fail. I bought books about writing books. I joined writing groups. I even created a detailed outline.
But I never wrote the fucking book.
Every day, I’d sit down at my perfect writing setup and find something else to do. Check email. Research more about my topic. Reorganize my notes. Plan my writing schedule. Anything except actually writing.
One morning, after another session of elaborate procrastination, I realized something brutal: I didn’t actually want to write a book. I wanted to have written a book.
I wanted the status. The credibility. The dinner party conversations. The identity of being “someone who wrote a book.” But I hated the daily grind of putting words on paper, wrestling with ideas, and confronting my own mediocrity.
I was torturing myself with a fake desire.
Here’s what I’ve learned: You can want something or you can want to want something. These are completely different things.
And most people spend years torturing themselves pursuing goals they don’t actually want because they think they should want them.
The Sophisticated Self-Torture
This is sophisticated self-torture masquerading as ambition.
We live in a culture that celebrates aspiration. Vision boards. Goal-setting frameworks. Life coaches telling you to “dream bigger.” But nobody talks about the psychological cost of pursuing goals you don’t actually want.
Most people’s goal lists are elaborate forms of self-punishment.
They claim to want to start a business but never take concrete steps. They say they want to get in shape but avoid the gym. They talk about wanting to learn a new skill but never practice. They set financial goals but don’t change their spending habits.
Then they beat themselves up for “lacking discipline” or “not being motivated enough.”
The real problem isn’t discipline. It’s self-deception.
We mistake social expectations for authentic desires. We confuse fantasy outcomes with genuine wants. We use aspirational goals to protect our identity from the risk of real failure.
Same situation. Completely different relationship to reality.
The Three Faces of Sophisticated Self-Torture
After analyzing my own self-torture and watching this pattern in hundreds of others, I’ve identified three ways we bullshit ourselves about what we want:
Pattern 1: The Social Expectation Trap
The Behavior: Pursuing goals because others expect it or because it sounds impressive.
My Example: In my early leadership days, I claimed I wanted to “be a mentor” to junior team members because it sounded noble and would enhance my reputation. I’d talk about wanting to develop people, research leadership development, even volunteer for mentoring programs. But I rarely followed through consistently or made the time investment required. I kept it as a “when things slow down” aspiration.
The Truth: I wanted the identity of being a “people developer” and the leadership credibility that came with it. I wanted to be seen as the senior person who cared about others’ growth. But I didn’t want the messy reality of difficult conversations, the time investment of actually listening, or the frustration of people not taking my advice.
The Evolution: Years later, I actually built a comprehensive mentoring program, that became the foundation for MasteryLab. The difference? I genuinely wanted to help people transform, not just be seen as helpful. I was willing to invest the time, have the difficult conversations, and deal with the messiness of real human development.
The Greek Insight: This lacks authenticity. True excellence requires pursuing what genuinely calls to you, not what impresses others.
The Pattern: You’re protecting your ego by keeping the goal as an aspiration. As long as you’re “planning” to mentor more, you can maintain the caring leader identity without confronting the reality of actually investing in people.
Pattern 2: The Fantasy vs. Reality Gap
The Behavior: Loving the idea of the outcome but hating the process required.
Common Example: People who claim they want to “get in shape” but avoid the gym. They want the body, the confidence, the energy. But they don’t want the early morning workouts, the meal prep, the soreness, the gradual progress. They keep fitness as a “someday” goal to protect their comfort.
My Counter-Example: I actually wanted to get fit and be healthy. I was a fat ass, but I started CrossFit and trail running anyway. Once it became my identity, I crushed it. Dropped over 65 pounds. Been fit as shit for 8-9 years now, running 40 miles a week and lifting heavy shit. I found my sweet spot: lifting heavy fucking weights and running on trails.
The Truth: This is what authentic desire looks like. I didn’t want to “have been” fit, I wanted to be fit. I was willing to endure the daily grind, the soreness, the early mornings, the meal prep. The process became part of who I was, not something I had to force myself through.
The Greek Insight: This embodies phronesis (practical wisdom). True wisdom understands that the process becomes inseparable from your identity when the desire is authentic.
The Pattern: When you genuinely want something, you don’t protect yourself from the discomfort, you embrace it as part of the transformation. The work becomes who you are, not what you have to do.
Pattern 3: The Identity Protection Racket
The Behavior: Keeping goals as aspirations to protect your self-image.
My Example: I spent years claiming I wanted to “build a personal brand” and become a “thought leader” in the tech space. I’d talk about starting a blog, creating consistent content, building an audience. I’d research content strategies, bookmark articles about personal branding, even outline potential posts. But I never actually published consistently. Never built the habit. Never put myself out there regularly.
The Truth: I wanted the identity of being a recognized expert without the reality of being vulnerable in public. I wanted the speaking opportunities, the industry recognition, the respect from peers. But I didn’t want the daily grind of creating content, the risk of saying something stupid, the vulnerability of having my ideas judged by strangers.
The Greek Insight: This avoids metanoia (mind-change). True transformation requires releasing the identity that no longer serves you and embracing your authentic telos (purpose).
The Pattern: You’re protecting your ego by keeping expertise as aspiration. As long as you’re “planning” to build your brand, you can maintain the expert identity without risking the vulnerability of being seen as you actually are.
The Brutal Honesty Test
Here’s the framework that changed everything for me:
The Action Audit
As the saying goes:
Show me your calendar, and I’ll show you what you value.
Question 1: What do you claim to want?
Question 2: What do your actions over the last 30 days reveal you actually want?
Question 3: Where is there a gap between stated desires and actual behavior?
When I did this audit on my “writing a book” goal, the truth was devastating. My actions revealed I wanted to feel like a writer, not to actually write. I wanted the identity, not the work.
Question 4: Are you willing to do the work even when it drains you?
Question 5: Does avoiding this goal protect you from something you’re afraid to face?
For my book goal, I realized I was protecting myself from the vulnerability of putting my ideas into the world and having them judged. The procrastination wasn’t laziness, it was fear disguised as aspiration.
The Sacrifice Assessment
Question 1: What would you have to give up to achieve this goal?
Question 2: Are you actually willing to make those sacrifices?
Question 3: What are you protecting by not pursuing this fully?
I wasn’t willing to give up my evenings, my comfort, my protection from potential failure. I was protecting the fantasy of being a great writer by avoiding the reality of being a mediocre one.
Here’s the brutal truth most people refuse to face: We prefer the identity of becoming over the sacrifice of being.
If your calendar and your identity don’t match, one of them is a lie.
What Actually Hurts (But Works)
Marcus Aurelius wrote:
Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one.
The same principle applies to your goals. Stop torturing yourself with fake desires. Here’s the brutal truth:
Authentic desire doesn’t eliminate the daily grind, it makes you willing to endure it.
When I finally got honest about what I actually wanted (not what I thought I should want), everything changed. I realized I didn’t want to write a book, I wanted to build something that helped people. That’s why I started MasteryLab. That’s why I write these articles like “Stop Changing Tactics, Deal With Your Shit” and “The Completion Paradox”.
But here’s what the motivational speakers won’t tell you: The process still kicks my ass daily. I still have days where I don’t want to write. I still face the blank page with dread. The difference is I’m willing to feel that discomfort because the desire is real.
And here’s what the glossy self-help crowd will never say: Getting honest about what I actually wanted destroyed parts of my life I thought I needed.
I had to stop pretending I wanted to write that leadership book when I actually wanted to build something that helped people directly. I had to admit that my personal branding aspirations were just ego protection, wanting to be seen as a “thought leader” without doing the vulnerable work of actually leading. I had to acknowledge that some of my networking was really just status-seeking. Some professional relationships shifted when I stopped playing the game. Some opportunities disappeared when I stopped pretending to want what I thought I should want.
Authentic desire doesn’t remove the chains, it makes you strong enough to drag them.
The reckoning isn’t a method, it’s a demolition:
Stop protecting fake desires that keep you safe. Start pursuing real wants that might destroy who you think you are. Accept that authentic desire doesn’t eliminate pain, it transforms it into purpose.
The Diagnostic Questions
Before you torture yourself with another fake goal, ask yourself:
- What am I avoiding by pursuing this goal I don’t actually want?
- What story am I protecting by keeping this as an aspiration?
- What would I have to feel if I admitted I don’t really want this?
- What do I actually want that I’m too afraid to pursue?
- How is my focus on fake goals protecting me from real desires?
The answers will tell you whether you’re pursuing authentic transformation or just bullshitting yourself with sophisticated self-torture.
The Cost of Fake Desires
This isn’t just about productivity. It’s about the psychological cost of living a lie.
In your career: When you pursue goals you don’t actually want, you end up in jobs that drain you, chasing promotions that don’t fulfill you, building skills you don’t enjoy using.
In your relationships: When you pretend to want things to impress others, you attract people who are impressed by your fake self, not your real one.
In your health: When you force yourself toward fitness goals you don’t genuinely want, you create a cycle of starting and stopping that erodes your self-trust.
In your personal growth: When you pursue development goals because you think you should, you waste time on changes that don’t stick because they’re not authentically motivated.
Fake desires don’t just waste time. They erode your ability to trust yourself.
My Three Years of Self-Torture
I’m not proud of those three years of fake book-writing. But I’m grateful for them. They taught me something I couldn’t learn any other way: The difference between wanting something and wanting to want something.
The real cost wasn’t the wasted time. It was the erosion of self-trust. Every day I claimed to want to write but didn’t, I reinforced the belief that I couldn’t trust my own commitments.
When I finally pursued something I genuinely wanted, I had to rebuild that trust from scratch.
The Authenticity Test
Here’s the question that changed everything for me: What would you pursue if nobody else knew about it?
Strip away the social media posts. The networking conversations. The identity benefits. The status implications. What would you do if it was completely private?
That’s where your authentic desires live.
Final Thoughts
This reveals something profound about human nature: We’d rather torture ourselves with fake desires than risk failing at real ones.
We live in a culture that celebrates aspiration. But transformation happens when you get honest about what you actually want.
The person who pursues what they genuinely want never needs motivation. They have something better: authentic desire.
That’s the difference between sophisticated self-torture and genuine transformation.
Every fake goal is a betrayal of your authentic self. Every pretended desire is evidence that you’re protecting your ego instead of pursuing your truth.
Authenticity is character.
This isn’t a goal-setting strategy. It’s a self-knowledge reckoning.
And it’s the difference between sophisticated self-torture and authentic transformation.
Here’s your challenge: Do the brutal honesty test on your current goals right now. Stop romanticizing your fake desires as “ambition.” Look at your actions over the last 30 days. What do they reveal about what you actually want?
Because the question isn’t whether you can set better goals. The question is whether you can get honest about what you genuinely want.
What fake desire are you using to protect yourself from pursuing something real?
Don’t just nod and move on. Do the audit. Right now. Write down what you claim to want. Then look at your calendar from the last 30 days. What does it reveal about what you actually want?
The terror of abandoning a fake desire mid-pursuit is real. You’ll have to face the people who knew about your “goal.” You’ll have to admit you were bullshitting yourself. You’ll have to confront what you’re actually afraid of.
But here’s the alternative: Three more years of sophisticated self-torture. Three more years of claiming to want things you don’t actually want. Three more years of eroding your self-trust.
And here’s what they won’t tell you: Sometimes authentic desire leads to paths society deems “wrong.” Sometimes getting honest reveals wants that isolate you from others. Sometimes the demolition doesn’t lead to purposeful transformation, it just leads to wreckage.
Be honest now, or remain tortured forever. But don’t romanticize the wreckage.
Ready to stop torturing yourself with fake goals? MasteryLab provides the framework and community for people who want to get honest about what they actually want and face the demolition required. Because the world doesn’t need more people with impressive aspirations. It needs more people willing to face the wreckage of authentic desire.
